ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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