Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
