her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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