Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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