i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm having to shit out rocks
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
