go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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