she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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