If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
