and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
