I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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