I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
