just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
