don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
