My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
