Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
