Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize
