I can't breathe out the right side of my face
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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