the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
