I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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