Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
