YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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