This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
