I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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