Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
