He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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