the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
