Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
