my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
