Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
