the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
