so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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