I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
