thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
