yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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