I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
