I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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