fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
