If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
