HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
