just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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