They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
