If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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