Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
