I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Who died my cat blue again?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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