So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
