My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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