I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
