Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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