zippers are such a cool invention
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
