What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
