I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
