and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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