I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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