I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
