I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
