I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize