I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
