my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
