my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
