woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
